Date of Last Dosing: 09 03 2011 (40 Days)
Current CEASE clearing and dose: none
Current Supplements: Omega 3, Zinc, Ascorbyl Palmitate, Biotics IAG Prebiotic, Pediatric Custom Vitamin/Mineral Base Powder
Returning Old Symptoms : bouncing, playing with saliva from her mouth, some noise sensitivity
Significant Positive Behaviors: speech clarity, reading more on her own, singing with clarity on her own, expressing her true self, performing daily tasks on her own, coloring and drawing with concentration for longer periods of time
Current Cell Salt : Mag Phos 6X
Lizzy has been doing well and she is showing more of her true self. She and her little sister Katie have had two mini fights today and Lizzy held her own. This is great news because Katie is a little woman who stands her ground. For instance, Lizzy was playing with some plastic jack o lanterns and Katie helped herself to them. Lizzy bounced around Katie in protest. I reminded Katie that Lizzy had them first. Katie gave Lizzy a dirty look and said, “Here, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.” Lizzy then proceeded to get a Halloween coloring book and said ” Look at this book” and handed it to Katie. Katie was not interested in the book but the situation was rectified. Good work Lizzy! Our baby girl is coming into focus. I look forward to the day when I can swap the current picture on her blog to one of more clarity. All in God’s time.
We will be waiting until the end of the month until we give Lizzy a remedy or begin another CEASE clearing. As stated before we want this clearing to do as much work as possible. It has done some great stuff so far and it shows me with more certainty that the vaccines are a huge part of the equation. No matter what others might be saying, I am seeing the difference.
Now that we have a clear picture of what we are doing for Lizzy I have been trying to heal myself more. As stated in my last entry it is time to get rid of all the emotional junk that has built up. The grief, anger and sorrow I have been experiencing is with definite purpose. It is time to shed all of this stuff. My husband Todd aka “Toddo” has been wonderful about helping me through these hard times. His insistence has encouraged me to blog about this process in-depth. Todd told me “Buzz (my nickname) you must share what you are feeling. So many moms feel like you. It is crucial to the autism healing process. You have to do this! Not only for you but for them.” So here I go.
One night I was feeling very depressed. I asked Todd if he could hold down the fort while I took a bath. He agreed. Todd told all 9 of the kids to leave me alone and that all questions should be directed to him. Man, I love this guy! After starting the bath water, I added some lavender oil and Queen Anne’s Lace Oil I made and began to relax. A sudden knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and I said “Yes”. “It’s me Buzz. I brought you some candles and a glass of wine to help you relax.” I told Todd to come in and he asked if I wanted some company. I agreed.
He proceeded to inquire as to what was wrong. Not being sure, I just started to cry. As I sat and sobbed I shared with Todd what I was truly feeling. “I am the one that signed the authorization form for the shots, I am the one that held Lizzy as they gave her those shots. I am the one who told her, it’s okay these are going to help you.” Upon sharing my thoughts I sobbed even harder. Todd replies, “Buzz you were helping her but not in the way that you thought. Lizzy has been to a place that you and I will never fully understand. Her experience through all of this will help her. It is just not in the way that you thought. Lizzy is going to do wonderful things in her life because of her autism, and she will be able to help others because of it.”
After finishing his wise statement, I swung my head around and looked at him as if to say “What?! I sat and thought about his words. My emotions governed me instead of my logic. I was temporarily speechless. My internal rage swelled and I told Toddo. “You know what Todd I am not there right now. Do you remember the movie Aliens? I feel like the character Ripley when she finally met with the alien queen for the final showdown. She was protecting a little girl from this parasite and with the protection of a loader she tells the alien queen “Get away from her you @#$%&!! I want to tell autism, vaccines, inept doctors, lazy therapists, corporate greed and the whole smelly mess to get away from my precious baby. She is mine! You can not have her! Stay away from her!! As the last word rolled off my tongue I dropped my head into my hands.
After I hurled my feelings at Todd I proceeded to sob even harder. Todd nodded with understanding. Through my tears, I apologized for not being accepting right now. Todd reassured me by saying that I must get these feelings out. It is important and crucial for true healing and forgiveness to take place. After 30 minutes of catharsis I felt better.
Through the grace of God, I was able to eventually wrap my heart around Todd’s insightful words regarding Lizzy. He is absolutely right! Lizzy will do wondrous things because of her experience! I just needed to vent my feelings and finally speak the words that were hidden behind my focus of helping Lizzy heal. Welcome to real grief Amy.
It is during the quiet times that grief is the most painful. Now that Lizzy has leveled off some, and her symptoms are less extreme I have more time to think. And think I have. I felt just as anxious as I did when we found out about Lizzy’s autism. (The causticum remedy brought it to the surface again.) The night progressed and I was on my way to true healing.
I called my mom the next day and shared my feelings of grief with her. She suggested that I try not to think about it too much. I shared the fact that I must get these feelings out in order to heal. As the conversation progressed, she shared with me how much she admires what we have done for Lizzy. “You do not give yourself nearly enough credit, Honey. Some people would not even care, and just leave it and accept it. You haven’t. You and your family have done everything you can for her. You need to remember that when you feel down.” I thanked mom for helping me feel better. Mom continued, “Now you remember what I said. Are you okay now?” I said that I felt better and ended the call. God blessed me with Mom’s words of comfort that day and it was just what I needed to keep the healing going. If not for Lizzy’s autism my mom and I would not be sharing our feelings to each other on this deep level. God will always give you what you need. That never stops amazing me! Thank you Lord!!
Grief is a process. It takes time. Various symptoms come in a variety of orders and one must let the process take place. It is very difficult, but all families dealing with autism must try to help themselves get through this. Let yourself grieve. Grief is a part of autism. Once you allow yourself the chance to go through the process the hold it has on you will be less powerful. The pain lessens more and more. In time it will get easier and through the grace of God we will all overcome.
Autism is a family affair. It effects everyone involved. I know with more certainty that God is turning this tragedy into His glory. One day I hope to see His full plan for Lizzy and the rest of our family. He has blessed me with a wonderful family and an outstanding husband. These are the things that I try to focus on lately. Though my pain has not disappeared I know what I am dealing with now. This always helps me. The unknown is so frightening. I am thankful to God for allowing this healing to take place. It is just a matter of time, till it is complete.
At night I pray that God will guide me to do what He wants me to do tomorrow. I pray that He guides me to do His work and continue to heal my family and every family dealing with autism. These families are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Remember you are not alone in this battle. He is there to help us and open the hearts and mouths of others who will guide us. One day at a time we will see the true purpose of autism. It is just a matter of time. We just have to wait, wait, wait.
God’s Blessings to you all.
Until next time…