Lizzy has been doing well and we are still seeing more changes in her. Yesterday she was up at 5am hyper and all over the place. Her need to lick her fingers and her shirt was very strong until the evening. As you can see in the photo she is doing this often. Some may say so what my kid did that or I did that. Which is true but when Lizzy does it she is filling a need that goes beyond the usual behavior of non -ASD kids.
As the day progressed she tapered off with the licking and went outside to play. At 4pm she went to her room to look at her books and fell to sleep. She woke up at 930pm and she was very happy. I was thinking she was going to be a fuss pot but not the case. I gave her dinner, she sat and ate, used her fork, asked for more to drink, the whole show. At 1230 am she went to bed on her own. I followed her up to her room and tucked her in. “Good night”, she said and that was it until this morning.
Lizzy’s mood has been even keeled and only small visits from Godzilla (her scream sounds like him) from time to time. For the most part, she has been wonderful. We played outside today and Amelia was blowing up the balloons today. Lizzy was very comfortable with the process and did not back away. Amelia accidentally popped a balloon while Lizzy was next to her. Amelia apologized and Lizzy replied, ” It’s alright, I don’t mind.” Yes!!!! This is the kind of stuff that makes my heart smile. She took a chance, trusted us and now she is comfortable with the possible unpleasantness that might occur. 3 years ago, no way. She would go postal! Thank you God!
Amelia has been going through some healing this week. Lizzy’s Godzilla screaming, and licking has gotten to her. Amelia has been very angry off and on so I asked her what was up. Amelia began with the normal younger siblings are bugging her and all of the small stuff. As we back tracked over her feelings the past few days we discovered that she is angry at the vaccines that “Took her sister from her.” Lizzy behaving the way she has reminds her of how mad she was when Lizzy was diagnosed. The feelings of her prized baby sister being stolen by autism is still a deep wound. Amelia also shared that she was mad at God then, and how hard it has been for her to see her baby sister suffer. We helped each other through the hurt and realized that we both have a long way to go before we are completely healed.
Lizzy’s going back to go forward and so are we. It is not easy but it must be done. As the day progressed, Amelia and I were doing dishes and listening to music. I was sharing a new song that my sister Cynthia turned me on to and Amelia wanted to share one that she liked. “Mom when I hear this song, I think this is what you have done for Lizzy and all 9 of us.” I was surprised and thought okay.
The song she played was Because You Loved Me by Celine Dione. Though it was written as a love song, the lyrics went through me like a dagger. I was scrubbing a pot and suddenly every bit of energy and focus I had left me. I was overcome with tears. All of the stuff that I had inside was being poured out and true catharsis was taking place. Amelia and I hugged each other with all we could muster. I thanked her for sharing, and how honored I am that she feels this way about me.
Amelia and I talk each other off of the ledge more times than I count. God always provides a kind jailer along the way. The emotional prisons we are in from to time is easier to endure when loved ones are near and lend a helping hand. Thank you God for blessing me with her. Thanks to you Amelia, you are a wonderful young woman!
The rest of the day went well and Lizzy is very affectionate and engaging. As I write this entry Lizzy is asking for kisses. I accommodated her 5 or 6 times and told her to let me finish. Lizzy skipped off and said “Kiss.” I told her to come back and I would kiss her. With a vibrant smile on her face she walked over to me and I placed a huge kiss on her cheek. The energy in her at that moment was wonderful. She is very happy today and I hope it continues.
Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to change and evolve. May God continue to bless every family with the courage, patience, healing and understanding we need to triumph over any trial, including autism.
Good night and sweet dreams to all.